I am still Pluto

First it was the local media that picked it up and then it grew bigger. Alan’s new idea struck a chord with many people; “I am Pluto” t-shirts and bumper stickers were everywhere, people were meeting at public spaces and forming "I am Pluto" chapters. Alan was asked to speak at several of these events and he was treated as a celebrity.

Alan and I were having lunch one day during all this and he seemed excited and happy. A woman at the restaurant recognized Alan and approached our table. She appeared to be in her mid-50’s and was wearing an “I am Pluto” t-shirt. “I just wanted to tell you how much people appreciate your work,” she said to Alan. I laughed suddenly without thinking. Both she and Alan turned to me and angrily demanded in unison, “What?!” Embarrassed, I stammered, “It’s just that Alan started this whole Pluto thing because he felt unappreciated like, you know, like the former planet. And now he’s appreciated because he made a big deal out of being unappreciated. I just thought it was funny. Sorry.” They both looked at me blankly the same way my dog does when I say his name. After the woman left I could tell that Alan was annoyed with me.

Alan began an “I am Pluto” website and blog for people who felt unappreciated, which became very popular. It was surprising how many people in the world felt unappreciated. Of course there were the occasional wise guys writing in and pulling pranks such as calling on Alan’s followers to join the “I am Uranus” group for people who feel like assholes. But generally, Alan was enjoying a time of great recognition and he was glad.

The trouble began when Alan’s relationship to Lana the receptionist began to sour. All during the “I am Pluto” phase Alan dated Lana whom he met when he mistakenly barged into the International Astrological Union to complain about Pluto’s demotion as a planet. She soothed him during that difficult time, and then she found Alan’s new-found fame exciting. Before long, though, Lana began to tire of Alan and the entire “I am Pluto” affair.

She and I were chatting one day while waiting for Alan to join us for a couple of mojitos. Lana was a very attractive lady and I could see that she enjoyed the attention of men passing by us at the bar, many of them surprisingly large and muscular. She said to me, “You are a friend of Alan’s, I can talk to you.” “Yes,” I said blinking. “I need a man who is proud of who he is. A man who does not care if others appreciate him.” “I see,” I said. Another large bar patron strolled past and smiled at Lana. As she slowly turned to return his gaze, Lana said, “A man who is Jupiter, not Pluto.”

Just then, Alan entered the bar wearing an “I am Pluto” t-shirt and holding a string tied to a small white helium balloon floating just over his head. The balloon also read “I am Pluto.”

It took Alan months to get over Lana. He even tried to win her back wearing t-shirts that read “I am Jupiter.” Some of his followers saw him wearing this shirt and were confused. A cell phone photograph of Alan standing out front of the International Astrological Union in his “I am Jupiter” shirt holding a string tied to giant helium balloon was circulated on the web. The “I am Pluto” movement was in serious trouble.

Read the exciting conclusion of "I am Pluto" in next week's My Friend Alan.