I am still Pluto

First it was the local media that picked it up and then it grew bigger. Alan’s new idea struck a chord with many people; “I am Pluto” t-shirts and bumper stickers were everywhere, people were meeting at public spaces and forming "I am Pluto" chapters. Alan was asked to speak at several of these events and he was treated as a celebrity.

Alan and I were having lunch one day during all this and he seemed excited and happy. A woman at the restaurant recognized Alan and approached our table. She appeared to be in her mid-50’s and was wearing an “I am Pluto” t-shirt. “I just wanted to tell you how much people appreciate your work,” she said to Alan. I laughed suddenly without thinking. Both she and Alan turned to me and angrily demanded in unison, “What?!” Embarrassed, I stammered, “It’s just that Alan started this whole Pluto thing because he felt unappreciated like, you know, like the former planet. And now he’s appreciated because he made a big deal out of being unappreciated. I just thought it was funny. Sorry.” They both looked at me blankly the same way my dog does when I say his name. After the woman left I could tell that Alan was annoyed with me.

Alan began an “I am Pluto” website and blog for people who felt unappreciated, which became very popular. It was surprising how many people in the world felt unappreciated. Of course there were the occasional wise guys writing in and pulling pranks such as calling on Alan’s followers to join the “I am Uranus” group for people who feel like assholes. But generally, Alan was enjoying a time of great recognition and he was glad.

The trouble began when Alan’s relationship to Lana the receptionist began to sour. All during the “I am Pluto” phase Alan dated Lana whom he met when he mistakenly barged into the International Astrological Union to complain about Pluto’s demotion as a planet. She soothed him during that difficult time, and then she found Alan’s new-found fame exciting. Before long, though, Lana began to tire of Alan and the entire “I am Pluto” affair.

She and I were chatting one day while waiting for Alan to join us for a couple of mojitos. Lana was a very attractive lady and I could see that she enjoyed the attention of men passing by us at the bar, many of them surprisingly large and muscular. She said to me, “You are a friend of Alan’s, I can talk to you.” “Yes,” I said blinking. “I need a man who is proud of who he is. A man who does not care if others appreciate him.” “I see,” I said. Another large bar patron strolled past and smiled at Lana. As she slowly turned to return his gaze, Lana said, “A man who is Jupiter, not Pluto.”

Just then, Alan entered the bar wearing an “I am Pluto” t-shirt and holding a string tied to a small white helium balloon floating just over his head. The balloon also read “I am Pluto.”

It took Alan months to get over Lana. He even tried to win her back wearing t-shirts that read “I am Jupiter.” Some of his followers saw him wearing this shirt and were confused. A cell phone photograph of Alan standing out front of the International Astrological Union in his “I am Jupiter” shirt holding a string tied to giant helium balloon was circulated on the web. The “I am Pluto” movement was in serious trouble.

Read the exciting conclusion of "I am Pluto" in next week's My Friend Alan.

I am Pluto

Scientists recently demoted Pluto from planet status to something called a “dwarf planet.” Astronomers belonging to the International Astronomical Union contend that if Pluto were to remain a planet then many more bodies similar in size to Pluto that orbit our sun would also have to be designated planets.

Lots of people were upset by Pluto’s demotion, including my friend Alan. He said angrily over a beer, “You grow up thinking you understand the solar system and then a bunch of self-important science smarties think they can just come along and change the whole deal. What the hell?!” His closing exclamation drew the attention of several at the bar and Alan quieted down.

Later on, it was obvious that he had not stopped thinking about the plight of Pluto, and Alan blurted out, “Who in the hell do the members of the International Astronomical Union think they are anyway?” When we were asked to leave by a bouncer Alan put his hands up in that “don’t-touch-me-I’m-leaving” gesture.

Several days later Alan discovered that not only had Pluto been demoted, but that it also was renamed to “134340.” Alan went berserk. He drove directly to the offices of the International Astronomical Union – a surprisingly unimpressive building given the organization’s name. At the receptionist’s desk he demanded to speak to the person in charge. Turns out Alan was at the International Astrological Union; The International Astronomical Union is headquartered in France.

Just as he was about to get very angry, out of the blue the receptionist asked Alan for the date of his birthday. Such a personal question from a stranger startled Alan. He told her his birthday and then the receptionist went into a bunch of mumbo-jumbo about Alan’s starsign and how it influenced events in his life. In a soothing voice she told Alan that the indignity of Pluto’s demotion angered him so because he himself felt unappreciated. Of course, this wall all Alan had to hear. It was as if the universe suddenly made sense to him -- damn right, nobody understood him.

Not only did he fall in love on the spot with the receptionist, but he conceived of a new movement to give power to all those who felt unappreciated. Within a week Alan had printed 100 “I am Pluto” t-shirts and he began his campaign. Local journalists were curious at first because they thought Alan might be one of those space-wackos who wear tin foil-lined hats. But Alan went strait from being a news story to being a guest on the local morning show when they discovered “I am Pluto” was a new self-help movement. Alan was a hit.

Read more about Alan’s new adventure in the next installment of My Friend Alan.