Life

Life was in the form of single-cell organisms when it first began on Earth. These organisms were microscopic and multiplied by dividing themselves. After consuming enough nutrients to reproduce, the cell would simply yank itself in half and the two parts would go their separate ways.

Not until millions of years later did an organism develop the knack of sexual reproduction. A fancy green algae named spirogyra was the one. How or why it occurred is a mystery to scientists, but the world was never the same after spirogyra appeared. Old-fashioned and frumpy cell dividers stood by and ceased all flagellation as they caught sight of sexy spirogyra doing it.

In high school I felt like a cell divider. I would go to dances and see the good-looking kids dancing on the gym floor and making out in dim corridors. I just couldn’t get the hang of it. My only solace was I hoped that some day - since I wasn’t a single-cell organism – I would not have to tear myself in two to reproduce.

My friend Alan wasn't so resigned. He was much more determined than I was to get satisfaction spirogyra-style. So all during high school dances Alan would ask girls to dance and he would try to make out with them. Eventually, he would be with me on the bleachers watching. It was difficult for Alan because he was more afraid of having sex alone than I was having sex with an actual other person. His father had told him that all sorts of horrible things happened to boys who did. I think that's why Alan spent so much time in detention during high school; he always discharged a school fire extinguisher just before leaving dances.