Reflections

Most full-length mirrors are about five feet in length which is longer than necessary for people of average height. That's because when you look into a mirror, the angle your eyes can see is equal to the angle of reflection. So if you are six feet tall and you hang your mirror with the top edge at six feet high on your wall, your mirror only needs to be three feet long to see your shoes. No matter how close or far away you stand from the mirror, your shoes will always be showing.

This is the mirror industry's dirty little secret. For years now they have been selling us more mirror than we need, except for the abnormally tall, of course. Think of all the wasted mirror footage hanging uselessly on walls across this great proud land built on thrift. Even the most parsimonious Americans own way more mirror than they need.

It's ironic that mirrors are esteemed for always reflecting the truth; mirror manufacturers have lied to us for centuries simply to line their own well-tailored trouser pockets.

My friend Alan did some heroic work to expose this corporate charade. Through intense lobbying he was able to involve the National Basketball Association in his campaign called "Not So Much Mirror." As part of the NSMM campaign Alan convinced several of the tallest basketball stars to do public service announcements informing the public that even a five-feet tall mirror is too much for a man of seven feet. NSMM initially made great headway until all the lawsuits.

Misguided activists inspired by Alan's crusade against mirror waste were entering homes and smashing full-length mirrors. They smashed every mirror they could find until several of the more radical mirror-smashers began to experience periods of extremely bad luck. They had shattered so many mirrors that the seven-years of bad luck for each began accumulating until their lives were shattered, too.

Alan’s organization was sued out from under him by mirror-smashers claiming to have been turned into zealots by the Not So Much Mirror campaign. Alan was so dejected that he took down all the mirrors in his house because they made him sad. As a result his hair is always badly combed and occasionally he has spinach in his teeth.